Gents,

May 8th Stats

A bit of pre-tour stating for you. Definitely wont be used for fines later…

Yesterday saw us play Kingston III’s… no II’s… ok maybe they had a few first team players… with a shoe string 7. We lost 13-8 and although I hate to criticise referees… there were a “few” interesting decisions.

Chris Mann defied the advise of his physio to play yesterday and made some vital interventions playing in goal. For his efforts he was duly awarded Man of the Match, despite Dan “I only vote for myself” Bedford contributing 5 goals to yesterdays tally. He was however beaten 4 votes to 3. Fluffer was awarded to Matt “Bouncer” Finch for his 0/8 goal to shot ratio – all misses coming from over excited bounce shots. He narrowly beat Tim “Mr. Bump” Young who managed to fall of his bike twice…

Moment of the match was hotly contested. I got nominations for tackling the keeper and providing Dan with an assist (as well as winning another swim off), the whole team got nominations for a fine 3rd quarter, Chris got a vote for his goal keeping antics and our man-down defence also got a vote. However, not one to chase glory, I decided to give the moment of the match to our 3rd quarter revival – shame we couldnt maintain that in the 4th quarter…

Other incidents of note – Gary now has his scoring boots on having racked up 3 goals in 2 games. On the flip side, Nick “were you actually there” Shute managed to not score for the first time in living memory… better luck next time!! I continue to smash my way through the Major King competition. After two years of failure, could this be my year??

Next update to come post Beckenham. I’ll see you at the social!!

Forza Narwhali!!

Gentlemen,

April 30th Stats

A mid-afternoon stats report to take you through to the end of the day!!

Yesterday saw us lose 9-7 to Avondale II’s – a game we could have won were it not for some wayward shooting, some losses of concentration and a certain failed back pass (something I’ll get on to later). Our current record for the season is 8 wins and 3 loses, with a goal difference of +15. Not a bad tally for being a third of the way through the season!!

Man of the Match yesterday went to Nick “Poo-y bottom” Shute. Despite being “marked out the game” or so he claims, he managed to score 4 goals. As part of that tally, I can also tell you that he managed to score the teams 100th goal of the season!! Beers on Mr. Shute? Yesterdays game also saw the brief, hobbling return of Sheikh abu bin “ooooo my shins” Harwood. Unfortunately he got a maddie… maybe he should just focus on growing back those toe nails… On that note, yesterdays “Banter Prize” is awarded to everyone who mocked Stu before the start of the game. I personally enjoyed watching him hobble about!!

Fluffer was, for the second game running, unanimously awarded to me. In essence I passed the ball to an unmarked Alan Stitt and he scored. For Avondale. I’ll see myself out.

Moment of the match was awarded as a team effort. In the second half Avondale failed to score from a single man up. Our defense was solid and we were putting in some big blocks. Good effort guys – I’d like to say training is paying off, but seeing as no one is going… Other than that, some lapses in concentration cost us the game, myself included. Lets try and focus up for the next game!!

As for the stats chart, Nick continues to push out in front with 36 goals for the season. I have extended my lead as Major king and Tim “Bicep Canon” Young continues to slowly climb up the table. The big news from yesterday is that Gary has now recorded a goal, so can no longer take the title “Brutal”… upsettingly he now only has an exceptionally high brutality rating of 6.00. I think you have let everyone down Gary!!

Forza Narwhali!!

Hello Gents,

April 24th Stats

Stats report after a busy week of polo – 2 whole matches to tell you about!!

First off we have a 10-8 friendly victory over Amphibs 3. Despite only having 6 players, we recruited a a goalkeeper and managed to play a full 4 quarters each… FITNESS!! Rob “sorry I’m still in the office” Chapman marked his return to the team with a goal and everyone managing to avoid a maddie. Moment of the match goes to Tim “5 lives” Young who managed to convert his superb 5 lives form in training to actually scoring an actual penalty in a match – more of the same please!! Man of the Match was a close contest between the men who played in opposite pits – Mr Holah’s great defending narrowly beaten by Phil “finally found the net” Richards efforts in attack (3 goals). Despite this, Phil also wins Fluffer for failing to pass to a free Nick Shute (on 2m) in favour of blasting the ball a few meters over the bar… Good one mate!!

Sadly our second game of the week went less successfully. An away trip to a murky Morden pool resulted in a 14-7 defeat. Again we were done over by counter attacks and an alarming tendency to give the ball away. Dan “Irn-Bru” Bedford made a special effort to make the game – flying in from Glasgow. His travels were rewarded with a goal, the Man of the Match award and the special prize of hitting the Sutton keeper in the face about 7 times. The game was also a bumper result for myself (Ed “are you sure you know how to play” Gamble), almost getting a full house – 1 goal, 1 major, fluffer and moment. For the fluffer, 5m out and unmarked, I fumbled the ball, couldn’t pick it up, panicked, started to sink and then “unleashed” a timid shot that barely reached the keeper… then they scored off a counter. Does that count as an assist? However, I made up for it moments later by scoring an impressive lob which managed to win moment of the match. That being said, there were 2 votes for a full team fluffer and 1 vote apiece for nobody to win Man of the Match or Moment… I think that probably says it all.

As for the stats themselves, Nick “magic hands” Shute is still in the blazing a trail up front with double the goals of his nearest competitor. I lead the Major king stats, whilst steadily climbing the goal scoring ranks. Gary “Thug Life” Bowen still holds the best brutality rating whilst Sheikh Abu bin Harwood continues to excel in the Maddie steaks after his ill advised return to the UK. In other news it looks like we need to put a bit more effort into scoring goals… The top 3 have scored 64% of our goals whilst Nick on his own has scored 1 goal less (32) than everyone else outside the champions league places (33).

Until next time… Forza Narwhali!!

Afternoon Gents,

Please find attached the next installment of the Narwhals 2015 stats report.

March 26th Stats

Yesterday saw us record a superb 11-8 win over Avondale 2’s (with a 2 goal head start) which puts us in the final of whichever competition it was that we were playing in. The stage is set for the dramatic return of Luke ‘Only Tour and Cup Finals’ Penfold…

I think we played brilliantly well yesterday. When Avondale dropped off us we moved the ball around the arc and took sensible shots. If they pressed us, we put the ball in the pit and either Andy or Simon did the rest. Defensively we were solid, and once Simon learnt our man down routine we did really well there with some big blocks. Only when we got tired in the 4th quarter did our performance drop, but overall, I think this was by far our best performance of the year.

Special mentions have to go out to Bummage who left the south coast to put in a sterling effort in goal and to Oggy who scored some beautiful goals. Oggy was the winner of Man of the match as well as moment of the match – a shot from the pit cannoning back of the bar only to land back in his hand and be put past the stranded keeper. Fluffer was awarded to Phil ‘I love wood(work)’ Richards for consistently skying shots or hitting the bar/post. It has been suggested in two separate emails that Phil should continue to get Fluffer until he realises that the ball needs to go in the net… I’ll leave that for you to decide. Finally, we were all very disappointed with Mohammed Bin Harwood’s performance. It was almost like he wasn’t there…

Stats wise, Nick “Harry Kane” Shute continues to lead the goal charts, with myself and Phil heading out in front for Major King. Gary “Brutal” Bowen is continuing to maintain his brutality rating – in desperate need of a goal. Reflecting the current Premier league standings, competition is hot (based on goals scored) for the 4th champions league spot… Still a long way to go!!

Until next time, Forza Narwhali!!!

Gimli

Stats update #4 of the year reporting a decidedly unconvincing 12-8… no 11-9… no 10-7… ummm… victory over London Orca. Apologies for any inaccuracies here, due to numerical dyslexia, the match sheet is very difficult to comprehend. Basically we won – just.

Yesterday’s game saw the return of the Lash Monster – we’ll see you in six months mate. Somewhat regrettably however, despite the fact he hadn’t been in the pool for quite a long time, he was notably a lot less worse than the rest of us… A close result, but Lash is Man of the Match for the game… we might as well all give up.

Generally I think our lack of fitness was the biggest obstacle to our game yesterday. We were let off the hook by some good saves from Lash and Nick’s arrival in the 2nd Quarter when he contributed 5 goals. Phil again struck up a strong relationship with the wood work, banging it all night long. He did however produce the moment of the match – a “superb” bouncing shot from half-way to add to our tally 5 seconds before half-time. This is Phil’s 3rd moment of the match… what a super star… NAAAAAAATTTT

Fluffer this week was a hotly contested 3 way. Eventually the award is given to Matt “We are playing in blue right?” Finch for some extremely good passes to the opposition. The finest being a fantastic pass to an unmarked Orca player who was about 5 meters out. Best pass of the night I think!!

Things to take away:

– Nick has now scored a third of our goals… nailed on for his 3rd golden hand?

– Gary continues to be “BRUTAL”. Some goals are needed there Mr. Bowen

– Sarah records her first Maddy of the year

– Finchy is getting very good at fluffing – form an orderly queue!!

Seriously though, lets try and make an effort to get to training and build up some fitness. We know we will struggle for subs for the near future, which means we have to be fitter. It was really disappointing to see Orca out swimming and looking generally (aerobically) fitter than us. Big effort lads.

Forza Narwhali!!

Gentlemen,

Following a brief lull in stats updates, I am pleased to report on two stellar victories for the mighty Narwhals. A 14-8 win over Otter and a 9-5 win over Kingston.

Unfortunately I missed the Otter game, but despite the absence of a first choice keeper, I have been told we played pretty well. Bren, in his first game this year was a handful and picked up 5 goals, whilst Nick “hot shot” Shute continued his goal scoring form. Man of the Match was a unanimous vote for Mr. Bowen who went in goal without complaint and I have heard tales of ‘excellent distribution’… cant possibly be the same Gary we know… Fluffer award goes to Mr. Ogg for being halfway to Avondale before realising he should be in Dagenham – but this was closely contended by Rob who managed to sky a shot from 5 meters. Moment of the Match goes to Phil “you do realise the goal is the bit inside the posts” Richards who avoided a Maddy with 20 seconds to go by blasting the ball in off the crossbar.

Despite Kingston having a 1 goal head start yesterday, we successfully turned them over despite their petulant moaning. Oggy and Mr. Shute took responsibility for getting the goals whilst the rest of us either tabled, refereed or watched. Mustafa Stu Bin Harwood recorded his first maddy of the season and we were all thoroughly disappointed by his performance. Oggy was awarded MoM for his efforts in the pit, Chapman won fluffer for his “pass” and Phil unanimously won moment of the match for being slapped in the face by the big tattooed bloke. Comments have been passed to me that Phil needs to make more effort to hit the netting and not the wood work – I am sure he is trying his best!!

As for the stats, Nick continues to lead the goal scoring charts, whilst Gary’s brutality rating is so far off the scale, he can only be listed as “BRUTAL”. It seems we are evenly sharing out the MoM’s – hows that for democracy – but Floater is excelling himself at providing memorable moments in every game.

Now, make sure you are available for Tour!! Nick and I have found some outstanding “accessories”… you wont want to miss it!!

Forza Narwhali!!

Weeble of House Gimli

Hello and welcome to the new (and “improved”) statistical update for 2015. As well as including all the old favourites such as the relegation zone, brutality rating and the newly coined (and terribly PC) “Where’s Wally”, we have also included the Normalised Goals category, which lets you know as a percentage how much you have contributed to the goals tally, and the “Fluffer Award”. This award will rotate with the Moment of the Match award depending on whether we have a good or bad game…

Two games into the season and two games of differing fortunes. The season opener was a resounding 20-2 victory over Blue Marlin. Nick ‘Hot Shot’ Shute already staking his claim to top scorer. Given the oppositions preference to play a 5-0-1 formation we had to work hard to break them down defensively following a 9-1 first quarter lead. Man of the Match was given to Mr. Harwood, recognising his 5 goal contribution and the fact that it was his last Narwhals game before disappearing off to Dubai. Phil ‘hitting the post still counts’ Richards was the initial winner of the fluffer award, however, given Mr. Harwood’s inability to correctly call a time out, he was directly responsible for both goals – as such he succeeds in winning the first double whammy of the year!!

Yesterdays game vs. Avondale was a very different story. Despite having an 8 goal head start, we went down to 17-10, despite being level at the end of the third quarter. Unfortunately fitness showed and we were swum out of the pool. Even so, Floater continued his fine form of hitting everything but the netting and there were periods where we defended well – limiting them to two goals in the 2nd quarter – being one highlight. Man of the match was awarded to Finchy as his keeping kept us in the game for at least three quarters. I successfully attained the Fluffer – thanks to looking like I’d been royally rodgered by their pit defender.

Stats sheet attached. Until next time – Forza Narwhali!!

Gimli

Ps. If anyone has any mates that would like to play polo, get them along.