[EDIT: Another slightly late entry, this time provided by Mr. Shute. This report was provided in a somewhat more timely fashion, but sadly just after Dr. Loveless’, thus allowing our resident doctor to avoid any fineage. Seems like a good game.]

The mighty Narwhals, depleted by the missing Gimly, Woody, Oggy, Punchy, Floaty and Gingy, travelled to Putney for arguably their first real challenge of the season against Avondale. With so many star players out, victory was but a distant dream, but the Narwhals ploughed on with thoughts of a London Pride that took 10 minutes to pour keeping them interested.

Their hopes were lifted however, when Shutey won the swim off, went in the pit, “turned” his man and slotted in all within 25 seconds. Blows were traded over the next 6 and a half minutes, neither team taking control of the game. With 13 seconds remaining, Avondale took a 5-4 lead and the Narwhals looked like they would be going in behind. But, with 2 seconds left on the clock, Shute went for the audacious parabola from half way. It sailed through the air, rotating majestically, the buzzer went, but it carried on, the keeper could only watch as it sailed into the goal. What was he doing? 5-5.

In the second quarter we really showed what an absolute pile of rubbish team we can be at times. Slack passing, poor balls into the pit and bad shooting, combined with lack of fitness and awareness, allowed Avondale to score 3 unanswered break away goals. The one man up we did win came to nothing, and we went in 8-5 behind after losing the swimming race.

We contained this for the first 2 minutes of the 3rd and found ourselves 12-6 behind with a quarter and a half to play. What happened next can only be described as a Monday night miracle. To sarcastic shouts of “shoot!” from the opposition bench, Timmy “cannon” Young smashed the ball into the bottom corner from 5m. Some clever play (slash slack defending) from Dicky Dickinson and good saves from Andy got us 2 more, with one another lob from half way as the keeper rushed out to try and fill the gap left by the defenders. Another break away goal from Shutey to give Avondale a taste of their own medicine and take the score to 12-10 at the end of the 3rd, the come back well and truly on!

With their horns up, the Narwhals continued to push and Finchy chipped in with another goal, before a sublime blind back hand pass whilst being drowned by his defender found Shutey to slam home for 12-12. Shutey then added another to make it 13-12 to the Narwhals, the come back complete. Could the Narwhals see out the game?

Nope.

The effort it had taken to get us there was too much. Chrissy Mann couldn’t help but drown his man and they scored from the resultant man up. 3 more fairly sloppy goals in the final 2 minutes saw us slip to a 16-13 loss. Not a bad effort considering, a shame about the absolute collapse in the second and half the third quarter.

Man of the match this week goes to Shutey for his shooting. Another 8 goals to add to this seasons tally as he chases down Bedfords scoring record from the previous year. Moment also goes to Shutey for his audacious lob on the buzzer, their keeper certainly taking their fluffer for letting that go in. Shout out to Finchy Snr for his blind back hand pass. Fluffer was pretty unanimous this week with Finch snr picking up all but one of the votes, and that wasn’t even his own vote… Fair play to Charles for voting the whole team for the second quarter.

If we could all work on our fitness and awareness for future we’d win that game. Alternatively let’s just get Woody, Oggy, Punchy, Floaty and Gingy back in the pool.

Forza Narwhali!

[EDIT: Following a long hiatus, we go back into the archives to look at a game that happened as long ago as February. Due to international doctoring commitments on the slopes of Mont Blanc, Dr. Loveless only managed to get this written 3 weeks after the game – this is despite telling us that “once I’ve knocked them out, I’ve got loads of time to mess about…”. The life of the modern doctor…]

Several months ago, the Narwhals took on the Orcas in the latest round of the Battle of the Arctic, this time taking place in the warmer waters of Whitgift pool. 10 Narwhals vs 11 Orcas, the stage was set for an epic battle. As aquatic mammals have evolved, the Narwhal remains in its prehistoric form, it’s majestic tusk a sign of its prowess and presumably used to spear fish when it isn’t grappling with rivals or foes. Such weaponry proved too much for the Orca pod early, as the Narwhals raced to a 4-0 lead, Rob D and Shute providing 2 apiece. Something of an orca comeback appeared after that with the first quarter ending 5-3.

The second quarter saw a resurgence from the men with tusks, as a well fought pit goal from Oggy and an outside shot from Holah combined with 2 more for Shute resulted in the Narwhals extending their lead to 9-4 at half time.

As the second half began the floodgates opened. This was the era of the Narwhal backhook shot as up to 4 shots found the net while eyes were turned the other way. Nick and Rob L both served up offerings of the now famous Wing backshot, one from each flank. These were both nominated for moment of the match with Rob’s effort narrowly winning the award. Also of note this period was a fantastic 1 on 1 save from Andy in goal, keeping the Orca charge at bay, and 4 goals for Shute. 16-4 with 1 quarter to go. A penalty was missed at some stage. No idea who missed it…

The fourth quarter continued in a similar vein with goals from Oggy, Holah and 2 from Rob L bringing the final score to 20-7 and another Narwhal victory. Man of the match went to Nick for 8 goals and an outstanding work rate. Fluffer this week went to Rob D, for several missed 1 on 1s and generally loose shooting. Next match report to follow very soon as we have played again in the time it took me to write this.

Forza Narwhali

[Edit: Today’s match report comes from Finch Snr. Somewhat surprisingly late for someone who has a lot of time on his hands at the moment… we are all very disappointed in his tardiness…]

A long time ago (or so I’m told) [edit: 2 weeks to be exact…], a Narwhals side deflated by the presence of Weeble and shorn of all 3 of our recognised pit men took on a Kingston 2 side full of vigour and enthusiasm.

March 13th Stats

Narwhals, as per usual, started slowly with Kingston taking an early lead – but our brave boys fought back with a well taken 6m free throw goal from Rob ‘dependable’ Dickinson and a fluke (obviously) from Nick (3×3) Shute.

This was the first of many Nick goals, picking up a treble hat-trick (9 goals for the uninitiated). I wish I could remember them all, but alas I can’t. There were a few shots from the arc, a push shot and others. It would certainly seem that Mr Shute prefers us to play with no recognised pitman!!

The Narwhals went into the second quarter 2 – 3 down but had soon drawn level through a Nick goal. The quarter remained level pegged, 5 all at half time.

The third quarter went the same way as the second with both teams level pegging, only this quarter saw messers Lombardo (x2), Dickinson, King-Tenison and another Nick goal keep us level. 10-9 at the end of the 3rd.

The final quarter was dominated by the Narwhals, scoring 6 goals (4 by Nick) to Kingston’s 2, surely as a result of our superior fitness (LOL), in the end it was a comfortable result although the game hung in the balance until the final quarter. Final score 16 – 11 to the Narwhals.

Man of the match went to Ed for his assists*
Moment of the match went to Charles and Nick for the beautifully worked back post goal.
Fluffer went to me for being ill (and useless admittedly 😀)

Messers Young, Loveless and Finch jr have taken an early vacation and are tasting fine wine in the Douro Valley.

Forza Narwali!!

* no not really, Nick obviously won it for his 9 goals!

[Edit: This game lacked a certain edge because Ed “Budapest” Gamble wasn’t playing, but apparently it still went alright… This report see’s the debut of Rob Dickinson – please give him some fair and honest feedback.]

February 6th Stats

10 intrepid Narwhal’s journeyed to a double-digit Kingston postcode on Wednesday night. Preferring to vacate the all deep, international standard pool for one where Peter Dinklage would have had a distinct advantage.

Early signs were good with an excellent swim off win. Despite the advantages posed of not playing with a shot clock, Narwhal’s key players continued to want to dump the ball whenever it looked like we might keep it for more than a few seconds. This was perhaps epitomised by Charles’ no luck, sorry, no LOOK pass straight to their best player. This commenter recognises the need for a competitive game, but such handicaps are perhaps a little far.

Oggy scored some terrific goals in the pit. Mr President seemed to be in a bit of a rush all evening. Oggy was first on all his swims. First to get to the pit. First to score. It was not a surprise when he was first to the pub. Zach, perhaps picking up on his comrade’s desire to get to the pub early, decided to get wrapped up on half way. Unfortunately, rather than an ice-cold pint waiting for him, all he found was the fluffer award.

As Narwhal’s superior fitness started to kick in, young guns such as Charles started to dominate. Charles managed to get in some great positions, always available. It was particularly pleasing to see him joshing a man twice his size. One counter attack was excellent with Charles scoring on the third attempt. A looping shot, straight through the keeper’s arms, on reflection, it reminded this commentator of a virgin thumbing in a softie. Everyone was very pleased it went in, but not quite sure it counted.

No team scores 15 goals without contributions from every player. Finch and Shute nipping in with two very good goals each. There is some dispute on their third goal. Finch got the lob to the back stick, Nick pushed it in. Like King Solomon, it feels harsh making them split such a precious baby. Let the records state that Nick should have it, for excellent emoji work on the team chat. Phil nipped in with a few goals, or was it one? The table certainly were not sure.

Chris and Gary proved that hard work pays off. Both scoring with excellent shots from man ups / counter attacks. Andy continued to be the main man at the back. Some excellent distribution and probably wins the long assist of the game award.

Overall it was a strong performance from a travelling Narwhal’s team. Final score 15-10.

MOM: Robert Dickinson

Fluffer: Zach Finch (honourable mention to Charles)

Moment: Charles’ goals

Forza Narwhali!!

[Edit: Despite some artistic license and a rather harsh fluffer nomination (wobble) – this week’s report comes from Messer Finch Snr.]

January 30th Stats

There are few things in life where you can look back and think ‘that was the best I’ve ever seen’. Last Wednesday was one of those occasions. 9 Narwhals where honoured to witness probably the best Water-polo pass they will ever see, the fact that it was to our resident wobbler, Ed ‘Destroyer of Rings’ Gamble, took none of the lustre away from the quality of the pass.

The game had been arranged as a friendly against a mixed 2/3 Kingston side. A sense of foreboding fell upon us when a strong Kingston first team showed up and then when the talismanic Andy ‘El Presidente’ Ogg failed to show up, we thought we were in for a tough evening. Our team already shorn of Nick ‘Skiing’ Shute, Dr Rob ‘on call’ Loveless and Dan ‘Ironman’ Bedford rallied behind the experience of Chris ‘we’re going to get battered’ Mann and sent Gary ‘oh GAREEEEEEEEEEE’ Bowen out to win the swim off. He didn’t.

Things were looking bleak after we conceded in the first 30 seconds, a back shot from the Kingston pit man nesting in top corner of the Narwhals goal. Phil ‘Philly’ Richards was having none of it though and unleashed his trademarked bicep cannon to draw us level, a couple more goals conceded before a nicely taken Rob ‘Northern’ Dickinson goal brought us within 1 at the end of the 1st quarter.

The second quarter was a bit of a ding-dong, Kingston stretched their lead to 6 – 2 before being pegged back by goals from Phil, Rob, Stef ‘Lob’ Lombardo and Zach ‘Bully’ Finch. Score was 7 – 6 to Kingston at half time.

The third quarter saw some excellent play from the Narwhals both offensively where Rob, Phil, Stef and Ed all scored (more about Ed’s goal below) but also defensively where we restricted Kingston to two goals and saw Zach bully their pitman so much he started complaining to the ref…. As the quarter drew to a close, our “on the ball” goalkeeper (who at this point had been limited to making numerous okay-ish saves and a couple of interceptions) spotted that there was a mere 7 seconds remaining on the clock and put in what can only be described as a ‘sumptuous’ pass to Ed “golden arm” Gamble on our own 5m line. Ed dilly-dallied and then put in a 20m shot, this may or may not have gone in, [edit: top corner, off the inside of the post – a peach] alas the author cannot quite recall as he had been temporarily blinded by the beauty of his pass. The Kingston ref disallowed it despite Ed shooting a good two seconds before the whistle went. Not that I remember him scoring of course. 10 – 9 to the Narwhals at the end of the third.

The final quarter saw the Narwhals tail off a little with only a Charles ‘Mocks’ King-Tenison 2m goal to celebrate, Kingston scored a couple and the game ended with the big Kingston Eastern European slamming another one v one against the outstretched arm of our keeper. Final score 11 a piece. A great result from the Narwhals given absentees and the quality of the opposition.

Man of the match went to our keeper for his glorious pass (and a couple of saves…) and an honourable mention to Zach for his well taken arc goal and bullying the Kingston pitman! Moment inexplicably went to Ed for his goal, I can only think that people couldn’t see the quality of the pass to him from where they were. Fluffer is shared between Oggy (for his no-show) and Ed (for not shooting quick enough) with a whole two votes each. Stef voted for himself (a touch of the Burridge’s I feel). Messers Mann, Bowen and Ogg have gone snorkelling in Albufeira. Oggy enjoying it so much, he went back for seconds.

Forza Narwali……

[Editor: It is awards season this month, so to celebrate, Mr. Shute takes on an Oscar-like odyssey]

January 23rd Stats

Welcome to the 2019 Annual “Certificates Unite Narwhal Team” Awards. Tonight your host is the ghost Amy Winehands, here to take you through the minimal highs, and multiple lows, of the TW Narwhals mighty 23 – 12 win over an unknown team because someone didn’t fill it out on the match sheet and all has been forgotten [Editor: it was Blue Marlin]. All I can say is the Narwhals dominated from start to finish, goals were shared like a raclette in an Alpine Savoy restaurant, all washed down with a 2015 Côtes du Rhône. Anyway, enough about my holiday.

We start with the most uninteresting award of the night, Man of the Match, or as Gimli fondly puts it “whoever scored the most goals”.

Nominations are:

• Oggy for some great battling in the pit.
• Andy for some good saves and excellent distribution.
• Shute for scoring the most goals.
• Zach for having a good game.

And the winner is………….

Shute for scoring the most goals.

Lets swiftly move on to Moment of the match. That highlight of the game that sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the pile of shit that was likely the rest of the game.

Nominations are:

• Oggy for a sublime back shot from the put.
• Andy for great assist passing the length of the pool.
• Loveless for scoring a goal right handed. Show off.

And the winner is………….

Loveless for shooting better with his wrong hand.

So, we get to the final main award for the night, the Fluffer. And as always this was a cracking contest with a few strong candidates. There were so many 5* fluffs during the game a lot of the smaller ones went completely unnoticed. *Sigh of relief from rest of the crowd*

Nominations are:

• Charles for hitting the post from 1m out.
• Gary for his “moment” (can’t even remember what this is just have it written down).
• Stef for his attempt at a push shot lob when the keeper was meters off his line, only to pass it straight to him.
• Finch snr for pushing off the wall too early and giving away a foul.

And the clear winner here is Stef, as not only was it truly embarrassing, but it would have been his hattrick!

Finally, we have the Jose Mourinho award for lifetime offering of nothing to the game. However, for the first time in many years, it goes to R.O.N and the flight to Portugal was an empty affair! Shout out to Gary for the single major to save himself, and to Dickinson for getting wrapped in a game we won 23-12…

Until next years awards… Forza Narwhali!!

January 16th saw the first game of the 2019 season for the mighty Narwhals. Eastern Otter were the visitors and everyone was hugely excited to dust off their speedos and take a dip. Charles was so excited for the game that he gave himself a dead leg, meaning he picked up the first MDM of the season. Good one.

January 25th Stats

If I had to pick one adjective to describe the game, it would be rusty. If I had to pick a second, it would be lazy. A third? Clumsy? It wasn’t the best game of polo you could have seen, but at least we got a win. Our typical January “pre-season friendlies” are always an opportunity to re-find that old form and grab a few goals in the process. Messers Ogg, Finch and Shute helped themselves. Passing could have done with some improvement too.

Sadly the game saw a lot of penalties against us. In game where we should have been much quicker and fitter than the opposition, I think we gave away 5 penalties. Perhaps that is because we were still working out our front marking, or perhaps we were just slow and lazy… Andy W did his absolute best to keep the penalties out – I think he saved 2 of the 5 – clearly all the 5 lives practise is paying off… but even so, when half the oppositions goals come from penalties, we need to look at our own defending.

Regardless, a win is a win. Man of the match went to El Presidente, Andy Ogg for a four goal haul and some fine battling in the pit. He also grabbed Moment of the Match for a casual back shot from said pit. He narrowly beat Andy W who got a few nominations for his penalty saves. Rob Loveless ignored his fine training form and proceeded to fire high and wide from all over the park. Clearly when the match day pressure is on, he fails to perform. Apologies to Mrs. Loveless. For his aimless attempts, Rob picks up Fluffer. I think he also got some votes for not being able to pick up the ball properly… was it three or four attempts?

Next week is Blue Marlin. Will we improve? Probably not…

Forza Narwhali!!

Last Wednesday saw a weakened Narwhals team square up against a National League fresh Croydon II’s. As it was the start of the winter season, our triumphs in the London League were two weeks behind us and we were focusing fully on this handicapped cup game. Starting with an 8 goal advantage, we were optimistic. Time would prove we shouldn’t have been…

Nov 28th Stats

We started slowly, staying with Croydon for the grand total of 2 minutes (2-2) before succumbing to an 8-2 end of quarter score… New Rob did pick up a goal, as did Charles, but on the whole, Croydon let us know fairly quickly what sort of game this was going to be. High press, quick counter. Our inability to win fouls cost us more than I care to say here. For the record, we need to learn to win fouls…

The second quarter didn’t go much better, with Croydon scoring yet more quick counter attacks to increase the lead. even when we did manage to slow the attack and set up some semblance of a defence, they picked out the top corner from 7-8m. We did have some highlights from the quarter – Phil with two screamers and Andy also chipping in with a decent goal from the pit. 16-5 the score at the half.

Then miraculously at half-time, the score jumped suddenly to 13-16 – 8 goals appeared as if from nowhere. There was no shortage of claims for those goals, with many suggesting they should be allocated to Chris Mann for his services to the club. Sadly Chris missed a 1:1 counter attack in the 3rd quarter so I decided not to give them out. These goals can be collected at the Christmas party with a fine of one jagerbomb per goal.

The 3rd quarter had few highlights for us. Oggy grabbed another goal, a just reward for his hard work in the game – but the quarter closed at 22-14 to Croydon. Low-light for the quarter was Floater Richards being wrapped up for his potty language. Having not won a foul he felt he was due, Mr. Richards had a big wobble and said some naughty words to the referee. He was promptly ejected. Sad face.

The 4th quarter followed much the same theme. Counter attack followed counter attack and our lack of aggressiveness in the pit also allowed the opposition to get more of an advantage. We had a late rally in the final few minutes, starting our comeback with 3 unanswered goals, but it was too little too late at this point and Croydon saw out the game with a victory of 31-17.

Man of the match for the game went to Andy “El Presidente” Ogg for a lot of hard work and determination for very little gain. Shout out to Andy “keeper” Winterbotham for some good 1:1 saves, but there was little he could do against the Croydon onslaught. Moment of the Match went to Oggy and Weeble for a well crafted goal in the pit. A cheeky lob over the defender to a waiting dwarf who drove it in from 2m. Dan Bedford might have been proud… Honourable mentions to P.Richards screamers & Oggy’s backshot from the pit. Fluffer was unanimous this week. Sorry Phil… better clean up your act!!

Something else to mention – Charles turned 18 last week and was very keen to buy a round for everyone. His next opportunity is at the Christmas party, so I guess beers are on Charles? Matt Finch must have a non-alcoholic beverage just in case he falls over again.

Forza Narwhali

The 24th October saw the Mighty Narwhals play the final game of the London League. With Enfield having slipped up against Eastern Otter, a win would guarantee top spot in the League and would ensure promotion next season…

6th November Stats

Our solid 9 was whittled down slightly by the fact we had no keeper and needed one person on the table. This meant at any one time we had one sub and no reliability between the sticks. Kudos to Oggy, Shute and Loveless for taking up the challenge and being our Keepers for the day. It actually worked quite well – our first clean sheet of the season!! This now means that Oggy, Loveless and Gamble are all in contention for “keeper of the season”, having the lowest goals conceded to game ratio…

The game started well with the Narwhals racing into a 6 goal lead, with 6 different scorers. Our clean sheet was threatened in the last moments of the half as Nick “clumsy” Shute gave away a penalty. Lucky for him, El Presidente saved the shot gloriously to his right.

The second quarter went equally well, this time with the Narwhals recording 5 goals without response. This quarter we had Nick “Flappy Hands” Shute in goal and he acrobatically and rather theatrically saved a number of shots, batting them away in all directions. There was a delightful moment with a minute left in the quarter where all Narwhals had scored except for Ed “high and wide” Gamble. Luckily for him, he managed to grab a goal (it was spectacular… I think) and so all Narwhals managed to get themselves on the match sheet. No trips to Portugal this week. There was also some dubious passing from Shute in goal… two passes landing well outside the pool… even worse than Finch…

Third quarter saw another 6 goals to the Narwhals and some rather wayward shooting. Highlight of the quarter saw Shute one on one with the goalkeeper where he then proceeded to hit the post, catch the rebound, have a shot saved by the keeper and then finally score on the third time of asking (just on the buzzer). No one wanted to give the goal, but sadly the referees did (BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!) much to the disappointment of both teams.

The 4th quarter saw another 5 goals to the Narwhals and Woody’s second quarter in goal. For the first time he was “saved” by the woodwork rather than punished by it, with a low shot cannoning off the inside of the post and back out into his waiting arms. We saw out the end of the game and were victorious 22-0. Solid effort.

Man of the Match went to Rob “woody” Loveless for his two quarters in goal and taking one for the team. Moment of the match (unanimously) went to Andy “Marathon Man” Ogg for his superb penalty save. Fluffer was awarded to Nick “Off Target” Shute for a number of errors (despite his 5 goals) – bad passing, gave away a penalty, laughable one on one.

Our shooting was terrible and our passing was worse, but we got the win. Champions of London!! On the Narwhals march!!

Forza Narwhali!!

A Thursday or two ago saw a rag-tag group 10 of Narwhals sacrifice their time to travel to the wastes of East London to play Eastern Otter. Having previously had the joy of trekking to Beacontree and Walthamstowe, Hornchurch was an extra special location, picked for its inaccessibility and uniquely positioned to be close to absolutely no public transport…

October 23rd Stats

Buoyed by a cheeky pre-game nandos, the majority of the team took up the challenge of travelling 400 stops on the district line to somewhere in East London and then take a bus through Romford. Mr Shute enjoyed taking photos of all 17 Wetherspoons pubs… he is now a fan of Romford.

The warm-up to the game started admirably. The unfamiliar Hornchurch facilities were duly christened by the team and John “Punchy” Holah had clearly turned up having had too much Nandos Peri-Peri Fighting Sauce. The gloves were off and he was ready to go. The game also saw the first game of the year for Luke “Tour and Finals only” Penfold”.

We started well, moving into an early 3-1 lead with goals from Bedford and Loveless. That was further built on in the second quarter with a further 3 goals, leaving the score at half time 6-2. Holah, acutely aware he was lagging in the Major King stakes quickly picked up 2 majors before half time. A travesty occurred in the dying minutes of the half when the ball fell kindly to Senor Weeble – the buzzer sounding just moments before the ball could be scooped up and buried into the net… had the ball been made of cake – perhaps I’d have got to it quicker…

The third quarter was a slightly more balanced affair, with 3 goals for both teams. The Narwhals took our foot of the gas (slightly) and perhaps it was those chicken wings making a re-appearance!! The game had lowly descended into a 3 up, 3 back kind of game as we tried to move the opposition into our half for a change. Fearing Holah would over-take him in the stats, Gamble took the opportunity to pick up two majors of his own. With few games left – odds on favourite to claim the Catas-Trophy!!

The Fourth quarter saw a flurry of goals… 20/20 Shute bagged a 4th quarter brace including a delightful flick over the advancing keeper. Bedford bagged another, taking his tally to 6 and ensuring he set a new season record for number of goals. To round off the game, Ed “awesome player” Gamble bagged a long range screamer. Final score 14-9.

This game saw the second triple crown in as many matches, with new boy Luke “RD” Penfold winning all three of our awards. Man of the match was for grabbing two goals and playing like he was in a Cup Final. Moment and Fluffer were “awarded” for the same thing – in honesty, the fluffer more for the joy of having a second triple crown, but still… With the clock ticking down to zero in the 4th, Rob “Woody” Loveless wound up his arm for a high and wide attempt on goal from half-way. As he released the ball, Penfold leapt from the water, graceful like a salmon, and blocked the shot with an outstretched arm. Who said Tour Polo was dead? To hoots of laughter from both sides and with a visibly shell-shocked Loveless, the referee’s blew for full time. The fluffer award did save Bedford from two weeks of Fluffing (after missing a 1-v-1) and also Loveless for some “wayward” passing…

Post match, we went for a beer and then took 3hrs to get home. My car got a lovely tour of inner London and a trip over Tower Bridge. A magical evening…

Until next time – Forza Narwhali!!