The 2nd of December so a jolly crew of 8 head up to Paddington for the traditional pre-game curry. It was a lively affair with too much chilli and not enough recovery time… Then we made our way to play Orca. Stats are below:

Dec 8th 2015 Stats

It was a classic Narwhals win – with swift countering off the top of the arc and some delightfully inaccurate passing. The final score was 13-4, with Mr. Shute grabbing 5 goals and Oggy getting 4.

Man of the Match went to John Holah for actually managing to turn up despite having been at a free bar earlier that evening. I think the addition of a sub really helped us out and we really appreciate the effort…. NAAAAAATTT. He also kicked off his defence of the Catas Trophy with a major…

Moment of the Match went to myself and Nick for a delightfully worked goal where a lofted cross pool pass was delicately flicked into the top corner by Nick’s waiting hand. Honourable mentions must go to the referee who blew for the end of the game milliseconds before I managed to score (boooo) and also to Tadija who began a new trend of the MMP (or mid-match poo). Its almost like he’d had a curry or something…

Fluffer this week went to Mr. Finch. Not only was his passing from goal “dubious” but he was beaten 4 times from about 8m by the same bloke always shooting from a foul. We weren’t sure what he was up to, but the vote was almost unanimous. Shout out to Nick who was (somewhat) harshly nominated twice here for a dreadful pass straight to the opposition…

A final addition to this years stats report is the beginning of the “Maddy Club”, where all those who disappeared get to have a photo, naming and shaming them. Gentlemen, for the first photo of the year, I give you Ed “can’t shoot, won’t shoot” Gamble and Phil “was he even playing” Richards…

Until next time… Forza Narwhali!!

Wednesday saw the Narwhals finally secure victory, although anything but would have been embarrassing. A 25 – 7 win was what we should expect against Eastern Otter, especially when talisman Gamble isn’t in the team.

Nov 23rd Stats

Waiting in the foyer before the game they had a couple of rather large players, so initial tactic to drop was precautionary. However by the end of the quarter it was obvious this wasn’t needed, and was hampering our main threat of break-aways with Tidy getting a hat trick to their 2 goals to only be 3-2 up. The next 3 quarters were 7-1, 7-3 and 8-1 respectively to give us a confidence boosting win.

Goals for all this week, Portuguese police had a week off, with Tidy picking up 3, 2, 1, 0 to finish on 6 and Shute adding another 4 to his tally – only the 7 to score against Orca to reach the century for the year. Single goals for Popovic and Chrissy Mann keep their tally’s ticking over – and most importantly Chris Mann’s goal pushes the Sheikh into the red zone!! Meanwhile one goal one major Bumidge chipped in with his usual solid performance. P Richards missed an opportunity to catch Oggy with 2 goals and stays one goal behind in 3rd, and Young didn’t quite catch Gamble with his 2 – though both came in the last quarter so maybe he should have played better in the first 3. Gary scored 4… Yes, 4!! Sarah being away must have left him with some extra testosterone for the game, or perhaps it’s all that head up swimming we’ve been practicing!! Finchy was his usual self, making some decent saves, letting some in while busy chatting up the defence, then coming out of goal and scoring 4 in the last quarter because he had nothing better to do for the rest of the game.

Man of the match this week went to Gary for his unprecedented 4 goals. Only shows what three weeks of decent training can do for you!! Let that be a lesson to you all!!

Moment of the match went to Mr. Finch this week for his penalty save but there were a number of compliments for his all round top performance in the fourth quarter.

Fluffer this week goes to Mr. Young for giving away a penalty with a two handed block. If memory serves me right, this is the second time this has happened this year… I smell a fine coming on… and it smells like Jager…
It was an enjoyable win, shame we couldn’t score so freely the rest of the season. See you at the Christmas meal!!

Forza Narwhali!!

Today’s report brings you the excitement from two games!! This is not because I am lazy and haven’t updated the site, more to do with actually having some work to do….. NAAAAATTT

Oct. 24th Stats

The first game saw us fall to a 16-12 defeat to Watford 2’s. It also saw the exciting return of Dan “El Ginge” Bedford. I will let you decide how exciting that return actually was… Dan contributed 6 goals to our total and was swiftly followed by Oggy with 4. Nick and Phil have struggled recently on the goal scoring front, only picking up one each in this game.

Against Watford, the Man of the Match went to Oggy for his hard work and battling in the pit. It was decided Dan couldn’t have it because he turned up drunk – classic scot… Having said that, Dan was awarded Moment of the Match for bouncing a shot off Oggy’s head on its way into the goal. Who doesn’t like a trick shot? Finally, Fluffer went to Nick “I Love Wood” Shute who began a deep and passionate love affair with the woodwork.

The second game disappointingly saw us lose again, but this time 13-10 to Beckenham 2’s. Having led 5-0 after the first quarter, we massively let ourselves down. Fitness was a massive factor in this game and we just couldn’t keep up the intensity for 4 quarters. This was a very winnable game, and it is only if we train that we are going to start turning the L’s into W’s.

Man of the Match went to Tim “Bicep Canon” Young for his 2 goal haul as well as a few assists – despite trying very hard to miss on his first goal… Moment of the Match went to Tadija “waggle hands” Popovic for his 2 attempts at scoring before getting the all important goal on the match sheet (and avoiding that maddy). Unfortunately, Fluffer also went to Tadija as he gave away a penalty by jumping in the pool whilst the game was in play. Schoolboy!!

That being said, Fluffer was a close run thing!! Finch nearly won it for not telling the oppo we started at 9… and some of our passing left a little to be desired!! Tom “Shouty” Burridge also gets a shout out for his rubbish attempt at being angry at the referees.

In the stats chart, Nick continues to leads the goals, but Oggy has now over taken Phil, moving into 2nd. It seems everyone has taken on the challenge of knocking me out of 4th place, with Dan, Tim and Burridge all close behind. We now have a new leader in the Catas Trophy, as John “Punchy” Holah moves into top spot with a huge 3 major against Beckenham. It really is hotting up at the top!!

Next week is training – make sure you all attend. Our fitness is awful – almost as bad as our passing and shooting!! A big turn out will let us get some decent work in before the Thameside league starts in a few weeks!! Until then…

Volo ego egam aptus!! (Forza Narwhali!!)

Thursday 8th October saw us playing Reading in the “London” League… The enjoyable trek from Paddington or up the M4 allows me to present you with this weeks stats report:

Oct 9th Stats

Following a slow start (3-1) in the 1st quarter, we battled back, winning the 2nd 5-2. In the 4th, with the scores tied at 8-8, we were feeling confident of being able to win the game. Unfortunately our fitness once again let us down – with us struggling to form any meaningful attack and too often over-crowding the pit. With a few decisions not going our way, we ultimately lost 11-9. Despite this, our performance in the 2nd and 3rd quarters was very good – we just need to make sure we can maintain that performance level for the full game!!

Man of the Match this week was hotly contested between Andy “Pit Fighter” Ogg and Phil “Pre-Match Poo” Richards – with Oggy narrowly edging it by one vote. The competition for MoM matches their fight for 2nd and 3rd place in the goal scoring stats – a close battle and personal rivalry!! I think the best way to resolve this is a see-off at the next social…

The game also saw the long awaited return of Tom “Hey fatty bum bum” Bummage who has been doing manual labour on an army base in Surrey…. Despite showing up and providing 3 fans and his customary one goal and one major, Mr. Bummage was awarded this weeks fluffer. Most of the votes were due to his lack of fitness and solid 20 seconds of watching Oggy drown – but also because his paunch has got bigger. I voted him man of the match for taking the F-anter (fat banter) away from me for a change!!

There was no moment of the match as we all seem to be quite disappointed with the result… There was one vote for Nick’s poo on the Paddington train, and another for Phil’s goal at the end of the game – but the overwhelming vote was for Mr. A N Other. To be honest I’m surprised I didnt get more votes for winning TWO swim offs!!

In the stats chart everything seems to look very similar. Nick is away at the top, with Phil now opening up a 5 goal advantage on Mr. Ogg. John closes the gap for the Catas Trophy following my Maddy last night whilst Finchy continues to earn the reputation for the most aggressive goal keeper in the league. In other news, Chris Mann needs one goal to push the Sheikh into the danger zone, and time is running out to stop me finishing in the top 4… if I am still there by the end of the year, all those below me will be doing a pint at the Christmas party…

Forza Narwhali!!

Monday 28th September saw a ragged 8 travel to Putney to play Avondale II’s. We normally have fairly close games with Avondale, but Monday was not the case, our first quarter performance echoing that against Enfield, shipping 5 goals and scoring none. Final score was a 16-5 defeat.

Oct 1st Stats

We were not helped by some interesting refereeing and some even more interesting table work, but to complain about this would be to lose focus on the fact that poor passing, poor shooting and a lack of fitness was our ultimate downfall. The majority of the Avondale goals came from a poor shot, that then resulted in an Avondale counter. This is not including the times when Matt “wayward” Finch forgot to pass to his own team and/or forgot to save the ball…

For those reasons, Matt has been unanimously voted Fluffer of the week (even by himself). The coup de grace being a pass straight to the opposition whilst horribly far away from the goal, resulting in conceding from about 15m out…

Man of the Match went to Phil for his 3 goal haul. He is now pulling away from Andy with 9 goals in 3 games since returning from his finger injury. On quite the run of form!! Honourable mention goes to Chris Mann for picking up another goal, and being the main threat from our Man-up situations.

And on that note – Moment of the match goes to Chris Mann for finishing off a man-up attack where we actually passed the ball around nicely for a good 20 seconds before Mr. Mann cooly finished with a shot into the far corner!!

Points of note in the stats this week… Mr Ogg picked up his first Maddy of the season – we are all very disappointed in his lack of effort. Of our “regular” players, Mr. Shute is the only player not to disappear this season. Chris Mann’s run of goal scoring leaves him one goal away from pushing Abu bin Harwood into the red zone. Phil is closing in on 50 goals for the season, whilst I am the first to reach 30 majors for the year. It seems Brutal Holah may be the only person to catch me as we head into the final 3 months of the year!!

Until Next time!!

Forza Narwhali!!!

Wednesday 23rd September saw a keeperless 8 Narwhals travel the length of the Piccadilly line to face Enfield. The stats look like this:

Sept 25th Stats

Following an exceptionally cheeky nandos, we went to the game thinking we could be in with a shot of a close game… how wrong we were!! 6-0 down after the first quarter, and taking 3mins of the 2nd quarter before we scored, we struggled to make a mark on the game. Despite a brief rally in the 4th quarter, we finally succumbed 25-11. That being said, the 3 GB juniors playing for Enfield got 16 goals between them – take them away and we have an 11-9 scoreline. I claim the moral victory!! We had a few bad moments, but we certainly didnt deserve a defeat of that size.

Man of the match this week went to Gary for his great work retrieving the ball from the back of the net. He took on the job none of us wanted to do – yet when the increasing major count forced Tadija in goal, Gary used his energy reserves to get himself a goal and a major.

Fluffer this week was a close run thing. My favourite vote was for “the game”, but it finally went to Phil “Dribbler” Richards who tried a long range shot, only to see it land several feet in front of the keeper… Keep it up Phil!!

Moment of the match was awarded to me for my feigned innocence when accused of receiving a 3rd major. According to the match sheet I actually received 4 majors, but given that Holah was awarded none (and we all know he likes to collect majors as much as me) I think they may have mis-allocated the majors. Still, it seems everyone was quite keen to see me permanently ejected from the game… I couldn’t think why!!

Special mentions need to go to Chris Mann for his 1st goal (GOOOOAAAALLL) since returning from his shoulder injury, and to Tadija for picking up 2 goals. Also important to say that we picked up no maddy’s this week – although Stu was dangerously close to having a bad game (again).

Stats wise, Phil has jumped above Oggy in the goal charts – this looks like it could be an exciting final 3 months with only a goal in it. John and I continue to push for the Catas Trophy, the race is on!! Not much change elsewhere, but Tadija is threatening to race up the table, with 5 goals in the last 3 games!!

Until next time – Volo ego eram aptus

Hello Gents – another slice of stats action for you to devour!!

Sept 21st Stats

Wednesday 16th saw us line up against Sutton and Cheam 2nds and we fell to a disappointing 15-6 defeat. Poor shooting, poor passing, a bit disjointed – there weren’t many positives to take away from it. We couldn’t decide whether to press or drop and so did neither. If it weren’t for the three penalties we won, it could have been a very sorry looking scoreline. As we move towards the last few games of the Surrey League, we need to really focus on getting the basics right.

There was no Man of the Match this week. The votes left me with a 5-way tie and given I also had a vote for A.N. Other, I decided no one gets it this week.

Moment of the Match goes to Nick “Right place, Wrong time” Shute for getting punched in the head whilst desperately trying to reach a Matt Finch pass. The resulting penalty was thankfully tucked away.

Fluffer this week goes to Rob “why did you turn up?” Chapman – whose passing was so terrible he couldn’t even pass the buck for getting a Maddy. This was a unanimous decision, and coupled with his further drop into the red zone, I truly fear for him come the Kangaroo court of the Christmas social…

The stats chart continues to shift and change. Phil “Finger” Richards tried his very best to re-claim 2nd spot with a 3 goal haul – yet still remains 1 goal behind Oggy. Holah has closed the gap on Major King by one – his brutality rating of 4 is almost double all other contenders. I think we may well be looking at the retainer of the Catas Trophy!! In other news, Tadija lifts himself out of the red zone, and with a self imposed absence until mid-October, Tim “exams” Young may well find himself slipping down the standings!!

Until next time – Forza Narwhali!!

For the first time in many, many weeks I am happy to announce that we have achieved a big, fat “W” on the results board!! For your enjoyment today, the stats…

Sept 11th Stats

Wednesday saw the mighty Narwhals defeat Croydon III’s 14-12 – our first win in 11 attempts!! The match saw us beating Croydon in all aspects of the game – more goals, more players (8-7), more swim-off wins (well that was a draw) and more majors (9-1). A crushing victory on all counts!! The headline news from the game was that Andy “goal hanger” Ogg scored 7 goals and has now leapfrogged Phil “ouchy finger” Richards into 2nd in the stats chart. Despite his prowess in front of goal however, Oggy did not win Man of the Match…

– Man of the Match this week was a tie between Gary “shot stopper” Bowen and Tadija “pirouette” Popovic. Gary was voted for his 2 quarters of superb goal keeping and Tadija for his 2 goals and ballet skills. Tadija also gets a special mention for pushing Rob “toothache” Chapman into the Stats danger zone!!

– Moment goes to Gary for some superb saves in the 3rd quarter which allowed us to extend our lead

– Fluffer this week was unanimously awarded to Nick “won’t pass” Shute who not only cruelly robbed Chris Mann of a goal, but then also missed several golden opportunities to score. Despite hitting 80 goals for the season this week, we are all super disappointed in him!!

On a side note, Tim “Hide n’ Seek” Young and Simon “Peek a boo” Tidy both scored Maddy’s for going missing. They were supposed to be in the pool but no one really noticed them.

As for the stats, a goal and 3 majors helped me to further cement my claim to 4th spot and the Catas Trophy. Holah is in close contention for Major King – with 3 1/2 months left, it will get tight!! Nick hit 80 this week and is well on course to topping 100. Oggy’s 7 sees him jump ahead of Phil, whilst Finchy bumped himself up the table with a goal. I can’t help that feel if Bedford were to just turn up for one game he might over-take me…

Until next time!!

Forza Narwhali!!

Wednesday 2nd saw the Mighty Narwhals line up against the fresh faced youth of Trinity School in an ill fated attempt to attract some new players. How successful we have been is yet to be seen, but until then – feast your eyes on some Stats!!!

Sept 4th Stats

The highly competitive game saw us draw 10-10, our slightly over-weight, slower “physical” polo vs. their youth and enthusiasm. The game saw the return to the pool of Simon “ooooo my back” Tidy, Tris “I thought it was training” Heath and we also saw Chris “grabby” Mann continue his return to full match fitness. We played some decent enough polo in the 3rd and 4th quarter but were let down by our inability to react to Trinity’s danger men in the first half. Nick picked up his customary 5 goals and collected Man of the Match as a result. He also got Moment of the Match for his final second shot in the 4th quarter which dribbled over the line and drew the game. Fluffer this week is shared between Matt “wayward” Finch and Sponge Rob Poo Pants with 4 votes each. Matt got his votes for some off target distribution in the first half, whilst Rob was nominated for fluffing his lines in front of goal. Stu was on the match sheet but he might as well of not been there. We were all disappointed.

A special mention must go to Phil “paper cut” Richards for reffing again – I hear he is taking a ref’s course in a few weeks… I am also giving a section this week to our part-time coach/motivator Zac “backhand compliment” Finch for some absolute zingers this week. A few of my favourites…

To Chapman: “the good news is that at least you weren’t the crappest player in the pool for once – that’s my dad!!”

To me: “The goal was ok – I just think you would be better if you tried harder…”

To the Team: “If you want to win you need to score more goals…”

I am fully supportive of a new section of the website where we document more classic motivational speeches!!

As for the stats themselves, Nick “dribbler” Shute is pushing towards the 100 mark with 10 goals in 2 games. I have put some daylight between myself and Tim pushing into 4th in the goal charts. Holah’s 2 majors push him into 2nd for major king. He is adamant that he doesn’t want the trophy… his performances and brutality rating (3.50) say otherwise!! Gary and Tim are tying in the Maddy stakes with 6 each. Only the Sheikh has done better. Everything to play for as we move into the last 4 months of the season!!

Volo ego eram aptus