Our intrepid 7.5 were tasked with venturing into the wastelands of Mordor, to seek out the legendary Mt Doom leisure centre and do battle with the Orkish hordes of Sutton and Cheam. Our spirits were initially buoyed by the absence of Gimli son of Weeble due to a business trip to the Iron Hills. However our hearts soon dropped when we spotted our arch nemesis, Alex “Balrog” Lenkei, who had taken a break from holistically healing himself to inflict his own very special brand of refereeing despair upon us…

April 22nd Stats

Initial omens were not good. Despite specifically asking for instruction on how to get to Mt Doom, re-known lover of wood, Phil ‘Legolas’ Richards, turned up at a different lava spewing mountain, primarily it would seem to have a poo in their disabled toilets…. The rest of our intrepid bunch soon realised that Legolas had done us a massive favour and taken one for the team, by taking the Fluffer award before we’d started allowed the rest of us to play with a gleeful abandon, without any risk of the dreaded Fluffer award.

Our journey did not start well, and we were two down in the first couple of minutes, playing a tight drop against the Uruk – Hai leader, ex GB Chris Evans, we unfortunately left lots of space on the top of the ark which the orcs took advantage of. Dan “Pippin” Bedford kept us in it with a quick fire goal from the pit before a quick one / two between Tony “Frodo” Popovic and John “Boromir” Holah released Boromir for a one on one with the Orcish keeper. Boromir duly beat the keeper much to the amazement of everyone in the pool, including himself. 4 – 2 down at the end of the first half we still had lots do….

Two quick fire goals from Nick “Merry” Shute at the beginning of the second quarter brought us right back into the game. A penalty save by Matt “Gandalf” Finch was followed by another Pippin goal and a speculative backhander from Rob “Aragorn” Loveless, giving us a two goal lead. Alas at this stage Frodo was struck down with cramp and our emergency reserve, Zach “Samwise” Finch had a much earlier introduction than originally anticipated. Two conceded goals at the end of the quarter brought the game neck and neck at the end of the half (8 – 8)

We began to take control of the game in the third quarter, our man down defence was strong and we were successfully marking Chris Evans out of the game. Boromir scored a screamer from 9m out and Merry got a tap in from 2m out. Two up going into the final quarter (11-9).

The final quarter was a frantic affair. Frodo was still suffering from cramp so Samwise started the quarter and dutifully took an arrow for his old man, getting himself ejected after I’d made the rather rash decision to clatter their pitman. Our man down defence held firm once more. A wobble during the middle of the quarter saw the Orcs come within one before Frodo, having re-found his inner strength, nonchalantly bounced a shot into the top corner to ensure us of the win. The game ended with the some Portuguese policemen desperately searching for Gimli and a hard fought 14-12 win for our heroic 7.5….

Man of the Match: John “Boromir” Holah for a hat-trick of goals and two exclusions

Moment: Boromir’s attempt at a push shot which ended up being palmed into his own net by the opposition keeper

Fluffer: despite us all thinking that this would be unanimous, Boromir’s wife got a vote from Boromir for locking him out of the house and turning her phone off thereby forcing him to sleep in the car, with hindsight I probably shouldn’t have texted her and told her that John’s ‘strong’ display that evening made him favourite to retain the Catas Trophy, ooops! Floater obviously still takes it though for his ‘roadtrip’.

This weeks Maddy Club:

Hello all – for your entertainment today, please see the stats for this week below:

April 15th Stats

Wednesday saw us slide to a disappointing 12-9 defeat to a very beatable Croydon 2’s side. We were let down by our inability to play the referee and the fact we couldn’t stop their main player who scored 9 of their goals. On occasion we played well and scored some good goals, but when you only get one man-up, it is very difficult to capitalise!!

At the end of the game, the major count was 14-3, with Tadija, Finchy and Andy “goal hanger” Ogg the only players not to pick up an exclusion. Bedford managed to secure his first major of the season, and with majors being handed out like sweets, no one got a maddy!! Chris “frantic Two minutes” Mann had a highly productive time, racking up a major and three shots in under 2minutes. Great effort!!

Man of the Match this week went to Dan “Goals” Bedford for a few delightful finishes, although there were calls for this award to be removed given his missed penalty… but then I remembered that Oggy wimped out of taking it so I felt justified. Remember boys – you win it, you take it!!

Moment of the match was unanimously awarded to me for my epic block of Dave Leech at point blank range, tipping the ball onto the bar in front of an empty goal. It was truly sublime, and given we have no Maddy club this week, I have included an accurate recreation of this glorious moment for you all to marvel at!!

Unfortunately Fluffer also unanimously went to me this week… What I failed to mention is that I shouldn’t have made that save in the first place. Three seconds before making my miraculous save, I had been excluded – therefore in saving the shot, I gave away a penalty and got myself wrapped – leading a strong charge on the Catas Trophy. All I can say is that the save of the season was worth it!!

Stats wise, Bedfore continues to lead the pack, with Nick falling further behind. In the race for the Catas Trophy, I have a small lead on Holah (who also picked up 3 majors this week), whilst Gary and Nick are tied on 9 each. Chapman remains Dead, Tim is still poorly, Tadija slowly climbs up the goal scoring charts and Phil has a poorly knee.

Last note from me – Social is on 23rd April and I have added to the site calendar. Make sure you are there!!

Forza narwhali!!

Afternoon all!!

Now that the website seems to be functioning again, feast your eyes on this weeks stats!! (don’t forget to look at last weeks too)

April 1st Stats

Wednesday saw us beat a very young Sutton & Cheam II’s 14-11. The omens were bad pre-game as we lost our goalkeeper Matt Finch for a mystery reason as well as our number one static attacker Simon Tidy – laid low by a sicky tummy bug… What a brave little soldier!! However, we overcame these set backs and motivated ourselves to take on the opposition. Despite a slow first quarter where our only goal came from a man-up, we turned up the heat in the remaining quarters and emerged victorious!! On a number of occasions we defended solidly and won back possession when the shot clock expired – strong stuff!!

Man of the match this week went to Nick “end-to-end” Shute for some good goals and even better swimming. Moment of the match also went to Nick – when despite still chasing Bedford for top goal scorer, he passed to a free Tadija, allowing him to score instead. It must be noted that this goal saved Mr. Popovic from a Maddy by 5 seconds… Fluffer however did go to Tadija “shit lob” Popovic when he attempted a lob whilst we were man-up and with a Sutton player in our half… The keeper promptly caught the lob with 2 hands and passed it down the field… uh oh…

Special mentions this week go to Gary for some great goalkeeping and excellent distribution. I heard that at training next week, Gary will be running a passing workshop for Finchy… Gary “Keeper” Bowen and Dan “Goals Goals Goals” Bedford came second in the MoM votes – so good job. It was also a close call with cock-ups this week, with Holah narrowly losing Fluffer for failing to block a shot from the opposition half – the ball sailing over his head and into the goal… In other news, new boy Rob got his first maddy for the club – his love affair with the woodwork putting him in a position to challenge Phil “I love wood” Richards.

Rob argued he got “lots of assists”… we all know that’s not a good enough excuse…

As for the stats, Bedford extends his lead at the top, with Nick in hot pursuit. Phil is having a bit of a goal drought having not scored in a while – meaning that despite not having played for many weeks, Oggy remains in the top 3. Having picked up two baffling majors this week, I have raced into the lead for the Catas Trophy. Holah is incensed and will be punching someone some time soon… SpongeRob PooPants is dead.

Until next time, here is the Maddy Club… They both look too happy…

Hello all – following a minor technical issue, here are the stats from last week for you all to enjoy!!

March 18th Stats

Last Wednesday saw the mighty Narwhals go into battle with Croydon 1’s in the Tom Dwyer Handicap trophy. With a 12 goal head start, we managed to hang on for a 16-13 victory which resulted in Bedford swimming around with the ball for most of the 4th Quarter – much to Croydon’s annoyance. Rarely has a victory been so satisfying, a particularly irate Amphibs player was even heard to say “Come on guys, we’re making them look good!!”

And we looked bloody good!!

This week Finchy won the triple crown, with MoM (for some great keeping), Moment (for his penalty save) and Fluffer (for another dreadful pass). He was joined on Fluffer by Bedford – three votes each – for a terrible miss… Dan has already promised that he will work hard never to fluff again. How often have we heard this promise? Ask Phil “Fluffer” Richards for more details…

Another Friday and another stats report…

March 4th Stats

Wednesday saw us take on Blue Marlin in the Thames Side League. The mighty Narwhals emerged victorious in a 20-11 victory. The game was a mixed bag, where at time we showed some great counter-attacking play but then shot ourselves in the foot with some terrible defending. Fitness and awareness was our Achilles heel this week, and if there three players on the bench, we should swap out. If you are too tired to track back, get out. That being said, we did play very well at times – but we shouldn’t have let Blue Marlin score 11.

Man of the Match this week went to Dan “Goal Hanger” Bedford who managed to score 9 goals and avoid getting a major. He was the focal point of every attack and the vote was almost unanimous (almost). Moment of the match this week was hard fought, with 2 votes going to Phil “poor push shot” Richards, Nick “stop passing to Dan” Shute and Dan’s team goal, 3 votes going to Dan for a combination of his different goals, but with 4 votes, Moment of the Match went to length of the pool swim and goal. I am sure part of that was down to the everyone’s surprise at how accurate Matt’s pass was… Naaaaattttt

Fluffer this week was inevitable. With 8 of the available 10 votes, and one of those being for himself, the winner of Fluffer this week was Gary. Nothing more needs to be said here… I must apologise for getting a bit shouty though. Sorry Gary. Gary did narrowly beat Lash for this award as believe it or not, Lash had to go to another “networking” event…

Other honourable mentions go to Simon “bit of a floater” Tidy for some great static attacking, Nick for a cheeky lob, Tadija for managing not to give away a penalty this week (and also for a good counter attacking swim) and to Zac who has got another game under his belt!!

As for the stats, it is getting very exciting. For the first time in about 3 years, Nick is not top of the score charts. Dan moves ahead by three, with Andy Ogg just a little behind. Contest for major king is strong, with John “bad man” Holah racking up another 2 majors. A strong return to the pool post-injury!!

Amazingly there were no maddys this week – well done. In their place, I have found a “counter attack chart” that shows where you should be swimming if we ever manage to set up an arc. Have a read please!!

Until next time – Forza Narwhali!!!

Fluffers to the left of me, Fluffers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with (von)Poo(shute)…

Hello Gents – following our game against London Orca, stats are below!!

Feb 26th Stats

Wednesday 24th saw a strong Narwhals win against our Arctic rivals the Orcas (21-5). Lots of goals were mixed with some laughable fluffs and equally bad finishes. The first quarter saw us 5 goals up and in a strong position. Some good counter attacking and strong defending set the tone for the game. The second quarter saw us go 8-0 ahead before the competition for Fluffer kicked off in earnest!!

Rather unluckily, Tadija jumped in whilst the ball was dead to help the referee retrieve a ball – penalty against. Thankfully Finch managed to save that penalty and we proceeded to move to 11-0 ahead before I put in my nomination… a looped pass was misjudged and rather than allow Finchy to claim it, I flicked the ball delicately over his head and into the net – Own Goal and Orca’s first. We then moved into an 18-2 lead before Finch came out of goal in the 4th quarter and lined up a penalty. He put it very very wide. Fluff number three!!

Nominations from the game saw Nick claim Man of the Match for his 6 goals and also Moment of the Match for his push shot into the top corner. Special mention here to Phil Richards who attempted to copy that shot…. attempt is the operative word here… the ball stopped about a meter in front of the keeper. Well done mate. Keep trying. Other notable mentions go to Zac for getting some good game time and to Gary for taking a stint in goal.

Fluffer (and I dont know how you did it) actually finished with a draw. This week I allowed multiple votes because all the fluffs were equally bad and it ended up with 6 votes each for all three of the above fluffs. Only one vote didnt mention these three and it was for the aforementioned push shot. Therefore fluff this week goes to myself, Tadija and Matt Finch.

As for the stats – Nick, Dan and Oggy are pushing in front on goals whilst the majority of us sit mid-table. Gary still leads on Majors, but needless to say once Holah is back from injury he will be pushing hard on this front!! Finchy is really pushing for his own copy of the Fluffer DVD with 4 already from the last 5 games…

And now the Maddy club – unfortunately it is a Finch only affair. I didnt take a photo, so instead I improvised…

Following a long drive to the end of the Victoria Line, the mighty Narwhals emerged victorious 13-10 against a battling Eastern Otter side. Here are the stats:

Feb 4th Stats

Monday saw us playing a familiar opposition in an unfamiliar pool. After eventually locating it (FYI – do not follow the signs labelled “Swimming Pool”…), we prepared for the match. We raced into a 5-1 lead in the first quarter, with some great passing and shooting. Defence was solid and we were communicating well. We then got a bit complacent in the 2nd quarter as Otter pulled back to 5-6. From there we had to work hard for every goal. A 30 second clock would have helped us massively as our defence was solid for long periods of opposition possession. That being said, the final 13-10 victory was well deserved and very pleasing. Well done boys!!

This week MoM went to Dan “goal hanger” Bedford who got himself 4 goals and a few assists (apparently). He narrowly beat Oggy who it must be noted worked very hard in the pit for not much return!! Moment(s) of the match was a dead-heat between Oggy, Dan and myself – this comes after I gave Dan his assist, wrongly allocated to me by Mr. Finch – fairness and transparency in action!! The votes were for a number of well assisted and well taken goals. Finally Fluffer is shared between Matt “watch the game not the ref” Finch for taking his eye off the ball (even though he was really sleepy) and Tadija “Fluffed his lines” Popovic for not following the plan on a man-up (we have a plan? I hear you ask!!).

(Dis)honourable mention goes to Phil for not putting his body on the line for the club. Having already collected 2 majors, Phil had the option of preventing a goal and getting a 3rd major, or allowing Otter to score. He took the cowardly second option. We all know Holah would have taken the bullet for his team. We are all very disappointed.

Stats wise, Nick remains at the top of the goal charts but faces stiff opposition from Oggy and Bedford. Major king is currently a three way tie with Phil a close 2nd. Maybe if he’d tried harder on Monday, he could also be in the top spot!!

Finally – the Maddy Club…

Afternoon all!! Following a bit of an anti-climactic victory over Blue Marlin, here are this weeks stats:

Jan 29th Stats

Following a slow start which saw us 0-2 down after the first quarter, we quickly pulled our finger out and scored 4 unanswered goals in the 2nd. This would keep us in front for the rest of the game. We played a very good drop defence, effectively neutralising Blue Marlin’s pit play. We continued this tactic in the mistaken belief that our keeper could (and I quote – because he actually said this) “save anything from outside 5m”…

We won the 3rd quarter 3-2 and the 4th 2-1, leaving the final score 9-5 to the Narwhals. In many ways our shooting let us down with a lot of wasted shots and opportunities. Having received lots of majors last week, we only received three this week – with 2 going to Gary “slugger” Bowen for pure thuggery!! Big shout out to John “it wasn’t me” Holah who managed to avoid getting a major this week – but he also failed to score and got a big fat maddy for his trouble… Other shout outs go to Nick’s cheeky lob, Simon “oooo my back” Tidy for making his 2016 return and Dan Bedford for spending a lot of time shooting at the keepers face…

Man of the Match this week was a close run contest, with 2 votes going to Bedford and 2 going to Holah (just for not being a thug). However the winner with 3 votes was Andy Ogg for netting 2 goals. Moment of the Match went to Zac “better than his dad” Finch this week for making his official Narwhals debut. He narrowly beat Gary who was nominated for a spectacular brawling exclusion. Fluffer this week sadly goes to Matt “anything from 5m” Finch for a combination of dodgy keeping and even worse passing… One such pass cost us a major and a goal… To be fair though, a lot of the time we weren’t looking properly to receive the pass so…

Stats wise, Nick stays top of the goal stats, and is also tied at the top of the Major list with Gary and John. Could this year be a 4 way battle? It seems the goal scoring charts could also be a bit closer this year. Only time will tell!!

And now, the Maddy club…

For our first game of 2016, the Mighty Narwhals trekked up to the North London black hole that is Stoke Newington for a game against Poly Purple. Stats below:

Jan 20th Stats

Following a less than enjoyable tangle with public transport and an exceptionally cheeky pre-game nandos, Shute, Bowen, Holah and myself arrived early at the pool to be faced by a small scale evacuation and two police vans. Thinking that his viciousness in the pool had finally caught up with him, “Punchy” Holah nearly did a runner – but the police weren’t there for him – a child had gone missing – insert your own jokes here… (luckily it was later found!!)

The kid was not the only person to go missing as during the game we noticed the referee disappearing, only to reappear to send a confused Narwhal from the pool. By the end of the game, we were 13 majors up compared to Poly’s 1… Kudos to John Holah for flying in the face of Mrs. Holah and making an early bid to keep the Catas Trophy. That being said, Nick “grabby” Shute is pushing him close, collecting 3 majors himself!! In other news, Phil got mugged by a 12yr old, Dan Bedford made a triumphant return from Glasgow (before probably heading back there next week) and Chris Mann became the only player not to be majored!!

Man of the match was awarded to me for being awesome, Moment of the Match was combined between myself and Bedford for the three goals we assisted/scored with each/for each other and Fluffer was awarded to Nick for having a bit of a shocker (by his own admission).

Stats wise, Nick sits at the top (as expected) on goals but is also challenging John Holah to be the most brutal of them all. Could this be the year Nick takes both special awards? Bedford picked up 3 goals so moves into the Champions League spot – we still await the triumphant return of Luke “rashy” Penfold, SpongeRob  PooPants, Tim “exams hermit” Young and Tom “networking prick” Walklate.

And now, the Maddy Club…