[Edit: This game lacked a certain edge because Ed “Budapest” Gamble wasn’t playing, but apparently it still went alright… This report see’s the debut of Rob Dickinson – please give him some fair and honest feedback.]

February 6th Stats

10 intrepid Narwhal’s journeyed to a double-digit Kingston postcode on Wednesday night. Preferring to vacate the all deep, international standard pool for one where Peter Dinklage would have had a distinct advantage.

Early signs were good with an excellent swim off win. Despite the advantages posed of not playing with a shot clock, Narwhal’s key players continued to want to dump the ball whenever it looked like we might keep it for more than a few seconds. This was perhaps epitomised by Charles’ no luck, sorry, no LOOK pass straight to their best player. This commenter recognises the need for a competitive game, but such handicaps are perhaps a little far.

Oggy scored some terrific goals in the pit. Mr President seemed to be in a bit of a rush all evening. Oggy was first on all his swims. First to get to the pit. First to score. It was not a surprise when he was first to the pub. Zach, perhaps picking up on his comrade’s desire to get to the pub early, decided to get wrapped up on half way. Unfortunately, rather than an ice-cold pint waiting for him, all he found was the fluffer award.

As Narwhal’s superior fitness started to kick in, young guns such as Charles started to dominate. Charles managed to get in some great positions, always available. It was particularly pleasing to see him joshing a man twice his size. One counter attack was excellent with Charles scoring on the third attempt. A looping shot, straight through the keeper’s arms, on reflection, it reminded this commentator of a virgin thumbing in a softie. Everyone was very pleased it went in, but not quite sure it counted.

No team scores 15 goals without contributions from every player. Finch and Shute nipping in with two very good goals each. There is some dispute on their third goal. Finch got the lob to the back stick, Nick pushed it in. Like King Solomon, it feels harsh making them split such a precious baby. Let the records state that Nick should have it, for excellent emoji work on the team chat. Phil nipped in with a few goals, or was it one? The table certainly were not sure.

Chris and Gary proved that hard work pays off. Both scoring with excellent shots from man ups / counter attacks. Andy continued to be the main man at the back. Some excellent distribution and probably wins the long assist of the game award.

Overall it was a strong performance from a travelling Narwhal’s team. Final score 15-10.

MOM: Robert Dickinson

Fluffer: Zach Finch (honourable mention to Charles)

Moment: Charles’ goals

Forza Narwhali!!

[Edit: Despite some artistic license and a rather harsh fluffer nomination (wobble) – this week’s report comes from Messer Finch Snr.]

January 30th Stats

There are few things in life where you can look back and think ‘that was the best I’ve ever seen’. Last Wednesday was one of those occasions. 9 Narwhals where honoured to witness probably the best Water-polo pass they will ever see, the fact that it was to our resident wobbler, Ed ‘Destroyer of Rings’ Gamble, took none of the lustre away from the quality of the pass.

The game had been arranged as a friendly against a mixed 2/3 Kingston side. A sense of foreboding fell upon us when a strong Kingston first team showed up and then when the talismanic Andy ‘El Presidente’ Ogg failed to show up, we thought we were in for a tough evening. Our team already shorn of Nick ‘Skiing’ Shute, Dr Rob ‘on call’ Loveless and Dan ‘Ironman’ Bedford rallied behind the experience of Chris ‘we’re going to get battered’ Mann and sent Gary ‘oh GAREEEEEEEEEEE’ Bowen out to win the swim off. He didn’t.

Things were looking bleak after we conceded in the first 30 seconds, a back shot from the Kingston pit man nesting in top corner of the Narwhals goal. Phil ‘Philly’ Richards was having none of it though and unleashed his trademarked bicep cannon to draw us level, a couple more goals conceded before a nicely taken Rob ‘Northern’ Dickinson goal brought us within 1 at the end of the 1st quarter.

The second quarter was a bit of a ding-dong, Kingston stretched their lead to 6 – 2 before being pegged back by goals from Phil, Rob, Stef ‘Lob’ Lombardo and Zach ‘Bully’ Finch. Score was 7 – 6 to Kingston at half time.

The third quarter saw some excellent play from the Narwhals both offensively where Rob, Phil, Stef and Ed all scored (more about Ed’s goal below) but also defensively where we restricted Kingston to two goals and saw Zach bully their pitman so much he started complaining to the ref…. As the quarter drew to a close, our “on the ball” goalkeeper (who at this point had been limited to making numerous okay-ish saves and a couple of interceptions) spotted that there was a mere 7 seconds remaining on the clock and put in what can only be described as a ‘sumptuous’ pass to Ed “golden arm” Gamble on our own 5m line. Ed dilly-dallied and then put in a 20m shot, this may or may not have gone in, [edit: top corner, off the inside of the post – a peach] alas the author cannot quite recall as he had been temporarily blinded by the beauty of his pass. The Kingston ref disallowed it despite Ed shooting a good two seconds before the whistle went. Not that I remember him scoring of course. 10 – 9 to the Narwhals at the end of the third.

The final quarter saw the Narwhals tail off a little with only a Charles ‘Mocks’ King-Tenison 2m goal to celebrate, Kingston scored a couple and the game ended with the big Kingston Eastern European slamming another one v one against the outstretched arm of our keeper. Final score 11 a piece. A great result from the Narwhals given absentees and the quality of the opposition.

Man of the match went to our keeper for his glorious pass (and a couple of saves…) and an honourable mention to Zach for his well taken arc goal and bullying the Kingston pitman! Moment inexplicably went to Ed for his goal, I can only think that people couldn’t see the quality of the pass to him from where they were. Fluffer is shared between Oggy (for his no-show) and Ed (for not shooting quick enough) with a whole two votes each. Stef voted for himself (a touch of the Burridge’s I feel). Messers Mann, Bowen and Ogg have gone snorkelling in Albufeira. Oggy enjoying it so much, he went back for seconds.

Forza Narwali……

[Editor: It is awards season this month, so to celebrate, Mr. Shute takes on an Oscar-like odyssey]

January 23rd Stats

Welcome to the 2019 Annual “Certificates Unite Narwhal Team” Awards. Tonight your host is the ghost Amy Winehands, here to take you through the minimal highs, and multiple lows, of the TW Narwhals mighty 23 – 12 win over an unknown team because someone didn’t fill it out on the match sheet and all has been forgotten [Editor: it was Blue Marlin]. All I can say is the Narwhals dominated from start to finish, goals were shared like a raclette in an Alpine Savoy restaurant, all washed down with a 2015 Côtes du Rhône. Anyway, enough about my holiday.

We start with the most uninteresting award of the night, Man of the Match, or as Gimli fondly puts it “whoever scored the most goals”.

Nominations are:

• Oggy for some great battling in the pit.
• Andy for some good saves and excellent distribution.
• Shute for scoring the most goals.
• Zach for having a good game.

And the winner is………….

Shute for scoring the most goals.

Lets swiftly move on to Moment of the match. That highlight of the game that sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the pile of shit that was likely the rest of the game.

Nominations are:

• Oggy for a sublime back shot from the put.
• Andy for great assist passing the length of the pool.
• Loveless for scoring a goal right handed. Show off.

And the winner is………….

Loveless for shooting better with his wrong hand.

So, we get to the final main award for the night, the Fluffer. And as always this was a cracking contest with a few strong candidates. There were so many 5* fluffs during the game a lot of the smaller ones went completely unnoticed. *Sigh of relief from rest of the crowd*

Nominations are:

• Charles for hitting the post from 1m out.
• Gary for his “moment” (can’t even remember what this is just have it written down).
• Stef for his attempt at a push shot lob when the keeper was meters off his line, only to pass it straight to him.
• Finch snr for pushing off the wall too early and giving away a foul.

And the clear winner here is Stef, as not only was it truly embarrassing, but it would have been his hattrick!

Finally, we have the Jose Mourinho award for lifetime offering of nothing to the game. However, for the first time in many years, it goes to R.O.N and the flight to Portugal was an empty affair! Shout out to Gary for the single major to save himself, and to Dickinson for getting wrapped in a game we won 23-12…

Until next years awards… Forza Narwhali!!