Monday 23rd September saw the mighty Narwhals go for a cheeky Nando’s before travelling to the northern end of the Northern Line to a potentially league deciding clash with Enfield 2’s. It was a game of mixed fortunes and emotions, with arguably the high point being the Nando’s and the low point being a severe lack of facilities for the PMP’s…

28th Sept Stats

The evening started well as the Narwhals assembled at “King’s Cross” for a swift Nando’s. Some like their chicken hot, others mild, and some like it resembling “Burnt Oak”. Upon finishing our meal and being “Stock(ed)-Well” with carbs and chicken, we prepared ourselves for a journey to the end of the Northern Line – glad we weren’t heading to “Morden”. The approach to “High Barnet” was interrupted by several smelly “Tooting Bec’s” and “Tooting Broadway’s” – badgers a plenty – that chicken was ready to create some epic PMP’s.

Upon arrival at the pool, I felt like an “Elephant and Castle” were trying to leave my bowls, but to my horror, none of the facilities had a suitable supply of paper with which to wipe my “Goodge Street”. It was quickly pointed out that in fact Woody McLoveless had used the last of the paper to clean his own “Mornington Crescent”. Thus I was forced to start the game without a PMP – terrible preparation in itself – but I also had to avoid any kicks to the stomach in case a train were to leave my “Clapham South”.

The lack of team PMP’s was obvious at the start of the game as our passing lacked precision and our press lacked aggression. Our “Archway” was rarely set up well meaning our attack lacked an “Edgware”. Sadly as a result we slipped to an initial 3-0 at the end of the 1st Quarter. As the game progressed into the 2nd quarter, it quickly became apparent that the referees were a bunch of “Kentish Town(s)”. Pull backs were not given and a number of questionable reversals led to tempers flaring and Mr Shute getting very “Charing Cross”. Nonetheless, our play improved and we began to pass the “Oval” ball with more precision. We ultimately won the 2nd Quarter 4-1 (4-4) with goals from Oggy, Lombardo, a dribbler from Holah and a deft, Bedford-esq goal from Gamble – rising like an “Angel” from the pit. Delightful.

As the game progressed into the 3rd quarter, the refs began to show their themselves to be real “Belsize Park(s)”. Inexplicable decisions were made and the game became very “Tufnell Park”. We struggled to get ahead but won the quarter 5-4. Gary saw it as an opportunity to have his very own “Waterloo” and promptly received two majors. Oggy also captialised on Bedford’s absence from the pit and “Bank(ed)” three goals in the quarter. highlight of the quarter came at the end when Floater shot a good 2 seconds after the buzzer and stole a goal from the opposition – much to their coaches frustration.

The 4th quarter was a scrappy affair. the Narwhals began to get frustrated with the reffing decisions it affected out play. Mr. Richards got very “Brent Cross” and at one point got very shouty. The game was tied at 11-11 with 30 seconds to go when Enfield called a time out. We quickly set up our arch and decided we would be playing a “High(gate)” press. Sadly as part of the defence, “Finchly Central” was ejected with a major and we conceded a goal with 12 seconds to go. Some dubious clock management later, and we fell to a 12-11 defeat.

Man of the match this week went to Oggy for his 4 goal haul. I suppose that makes him out “Golders Green”. Shout outs to Rob “Woodside Park” Loveless who ended his drought with a goal and to Zac “East Finchly” for having a cheeky fight on half way. Next time punch harder!!

Moment of the Match again went to Oggy for a superb back shot from the pit.Very few other nominations but a shout out to Rob, Phil and Gary who played a delightful passing move before putting the ball into the pit for Oggy to score.

Fluffer this week goes to Matt “West Finchly” for his final minute exclusion. Arguably it wasn’t him that cost us the game, but you can’t vote for the refs and this is a democracy. Rob got a customary nomination for wayward shooting and I think Shute is still wobbling.

Sadly this game means we have now lost 5 games in a row. It would be good to turn this around sooner rather than later – but I am confident for the next match.

If you can fit anymore Northern Line stations  in – add them to the facebook post… (look at that – engagement with the fans!!)

Forza narwhali!!

A Blue Planet special spoken in your best Attenborough voice.

21st September Stats

As the unusually warm summer draws to a close over the vast southern plains of London, preparations begin for the cooler months to come and the arduous task of the winter hibernation. The hot summer has taken its toll on the local wildlife with excessive energy wasted on frequent visits to watering holes, an extended mating season for some of the Bullfinches and prolonged summer migration for the lesser spotted ‘Bowen Great Bowerbird’.

A neighbouring migratory flock from the woodlands of Cheam pass through the southern plains in waves and according to physical superiority, the elite of the flock are the first to pass followed by the supposedly weaker of the flock in a second wave. It is this second wave of invasive species that the native animals fight for resources.

As the natives become aware of the onset of an apparent invasion of their territory, the affects of the long hot summer become apparent as they are slow to form a defence falling to a 0-5 first quarter loss.

High up in the jungle canopy the squawking siege is overseen by another migrater new to these plains, the Whistling Green Pigeon, who appears to be easily flustered by the apparent onset of danger. The slightest of movements from the Red Headed Woodpecker seem to perturb the green pigeon who repeatedly sends ear splitting whistles his way.

Awakened by the squawking and whistling furore, a response is mounted with two goals from the red headed woodpecker and the ever energetic Vine-Handed Gibbon. However a meagre attempt at best as the onslaught continues; 3-11 to the Cheam migraters at the halfway mark.

With local pride bruised and defence lines seemingly wasting away with the leaves on the jungle floor, pockets of resistance are mounted from the swift and agile ‘Bald Ukari’. Known for their peculiar excretion habits in the face of battle, the Bald Ukari dispatches a remarkably disguised pit flick to unsettle the visitors. Another strike from Ukari and the Red Headed Woodpecker, a mere formality to proceedings. 6-16 and defeat looked certain.

The exuberance of a juvenile Gouldian Finch, uses its majestically colourful plumage to both attract a mate and to confuse its prey with sudden movements. This is put to good effect as the juvenile finch launches a dart past a bamboozled defence. Perhaps also a demonstration of courtship and coming of age to impress an onlooking female finch.

The increasingly flustered Whistling Green Pigeon could not resist further squawking at the typically aggressive Holah and Weeble Tailed Macaques with two expulsions a piece. A feeble attempt all round finishes 8-24. The pin point accuracy from the migraters proved too much for the White Headed Winterbotham Capuchin. As the Autumn leaves fall in the South London plains, the natives lick their wounds and plan their own migration to the Northern Atlantic archipelago of the Portuguese Azores.

MoM – Dan for this 50% goal contribution
Moment – Floater for a neatly dispatched pit flick
Fluffer – Almost uncontested and unanimously awarded to Gamble for his row Z attempt. Pretty much everyone off to Portugal for crap passing, attack and defence.

Guten Tag meine Polo Friends. Zer Report on der Wasserpolo matchen gegen Zer enemy Croydon from our very own Deutsch correspondent, Herr Floater von Pooheim

So jetzt gehts loss.

September 7th Stats

Erste Quarter. Narwhalz on ze rampage. Some superb schitzenshooting on zer goalen from ‘Holzschieser’ Rob, Frau Weinhände und Herr Ginger macht das 5-5. Being zer Team with all zer cunning, we had one Scheissrichter pfifenblower who was a secret spy for das Narwhalwasserpolomanschaftgesselschaft. Er blowed sein whistle, aber ze other really Scheisenrichter blowed in zer other way. All zer time. Croydon must have offered zis dummkopf more Bratwursts as payment that ve could. Scheisse!

Zweite Quarter. Nicht gut. Wenig goalen, viel scheisse shooting und splish-splashing ohne result. Zer zer schlecht. Scheiss wasserpolo game. Narwhals sinking faster zen zer Bismark.

Dritte Quarter. Sehr sehr gut. Frau Weinhände und Herr Gimli von Weeble mit goalen, mit zwei Tore von Herr F v P macht viel better scoreline. Jetzt sind wir nearly level. Achtung Narwhali – jetzt kommen wir!

Vierte Quarter. Also gut. But nicht gut enough. Herr Ginger und Frau Weinhände again viele schitzenshooting mit goalen und swimming. Stephan der Puncher mit eine toppenpunch in der letzten minute – Croydon now only mit sex. Sorry, sechs. Aber nicht mehr Goalen von Narwhali, und some mehr other goalen von scheiss other manschafteam. Eine minute von very very Kackscheissspeielen von Finchy, Graf von Babymachen – nicht again bitte!

We haben verlohren 20-16. Aber – sehr gut playing, viel wasserpologoalen und splishen splashen.

Frau des Matches: Frau Weinhände
Moment des Matches: Herr Holzschieser with ein Tor das very gut wahr. Herr F v P also shooten a gut goalen.
Fluffer: Bren ‘der angryman’ Heath mit zwei disallowed goalen und sehr viel arguing und general dirty spielen.

Danke. Aus.

Forza Narwhali