This week we bring a bit of culture. The match detailed in Japanese Haiku:

March 22nd stats

Dominant Display
Nineteen-sixteen victory
But just not for us

Man of the Match: Andy W

With great legs, big saves
leaping like a salmon leaps
a glorious game

Moment: Dan Bedford

A ball in the pit
Makes defender look a mug
Goal for the ginger

Fluffer: Matt Finch

Swim in to the pit
Save on line, the ball rebounds
He sleeps, they don’t. Goal

Where are Shute and Finch?
they went missing in Lisbon
a dangerous place

Putting his GCSE English to good use (someone has to) Charles K-T chips in with a match report…

March 19th Stats

After a long journey, by train or by car, the Narwhals arrived, further North than their regular hunting grounds, at the underground layer of Eastern Otter. The Narwhals started in classic fashion – going 2-0 down in the first 4 minutes… A golden opportunity fell their way early on, with a 2 on 1 against the keeper. Rob ‘long-range’ Loveless executed a superb lob – over both the keeper, and the supporting player: to the dismay of the crowd. Yet with 2 minutes left of the first quarter, the Narwhals staged an impressive comeback with two goals from Nick ‘likes to Shute a lot’, the top goal scorer, and a hat-trick from Dan. The first quarter ended with a blast, as “Long-range” Loveless realised shooting from twelve meters was much easier than two and bounced one in the top corner, with only a second left on the clock to make moment of the match. 

The second quarter saw significantly less goals as we attacked their almost shallow end. Despite losing the second quarter 3-2, we maintained our lead with goals from Tim and Nick, finishing the quarter 5-8. The most notable moments of the quarter was a sudden violent streak from Gamble, resulting in two majors in as many minutes, to cap a slightly underwhelming quarter – and taking his brutality rating to 7… 

Starting the third quarter, the Narwhals found themselves down another goal, in under a minute. Following the decline of the last quarter, real pressure was on to ensure the match didn’t slip away from the Narwhals. A man up, finished superbly into the corner by Phil provided some comfort before a controversial penalty was given against us. Despite a lengthy explanation of the rules from Finch ‘Major’, the penalty was incorrectly given, then scored. The three goal lead was quickly restored as Rob ‘long-range’ Loveless scored again from range, before realising he can also score from two meters too. A brief Otter counter attack, bringing home two goals, was quickly nullified by a rear guard action with goals from Charles and Tim, following some hand magic (almost worthy of moment of the match) from Nick. Mr. ‘likes to Shute a lot’ scored again and brought the game firmly under control. The quarter set to end on a high saw a speculative, long range shot from the Eastern Otters line up. Blockers in place. Keeper set. The Narwhals were ready to defend any incoming fire power. A wide, slow, looping shot was expertly volleyed in by Gamble – past Finch Major – into the Narwhals’ goal. A bizarre own goal secured Gamble the title of fluffer, against the rivals of misplaced passes and shots that threatened low flying aircraft. 

The final quarter got off to a slow start, but with building momentum, goals arrived from Rob, Nick and Phil. With the score at 10-17, the fight to avoid a maddie began. A soft foul was given away by Oggy; it is also currently under investigation by the dubious maddie committee. Otter scored, but the game was won and with a couple of minutes to go, Dan fired a shot from range – high, wide and straight into the changing rooms. Unfazed by this, Dan tried again blasting one in the far post to cap of a comfortable 11-18 win. Man of the Match going to Rob, for finally learning how to score, and doing so in phenomenal style. Notable mention should go to Charles and Nick ‘likes to Shute a lot’, for close runners up. 

Finally the London Metropolitan Police force would like to put out a missing person report for a Mr Zach Finch, who hasn’t been seen since Monday, the 12th of March. He was last seen somewhere in North East London, but also was apparently sighted loitering in Portugal in following days: any knowledge of his whereabouts would be greatly appreciated.