Wednesday 17th May 2017 will forever go down in the chronicles as the worst day in Narwhals history. Yes – worse than ATTJ vomiting in the ladies toilets, worse than Abu bin Harwood coming back from Dubai, definitely worse than not going on tour in 2015 and certainly worse than Gamble dropping 13 pints all over Finchy. It was a massacre of epic proportions. At this moment Green Peace have abandoned protesting oil rigs in the Arctic and are racing towards South Croydon to save all the Narwhals they can…

A crippling and bruising 22-1 loss to Guildford 1’s… not a lot more needs to be said.

May 22nd Stats

For the first time this season our goal difference slips into the negative. Little better, a grand total of 7 narwhals have been found loitering uselessly near Portuguese holiday resorts. As a result of this defeat, the whole team were allocated fluffer. Similarly there was no award for Man of the Match. Reluctantly moment of the match was awarded to Charles “Rob Loveless” King-Tenison for picking up the only goal.

I don’t really want to say anymore as recollecting the game is putting me on the verge of a major wobble… Hopefully we can do a bit better next time…

A second game of the week, a second draw of the week. A home game to a below strength Sutton team, apart from their 1st team player, who decided to actually start playing at half time and rescued them a point.

15th May Stats

Bolstered by the late cry on of Dan “gladiator” Bedford and Tadija “back to full fitness” Popovic, the Narwhals quickly took a 3-0 lead with a classic top corner goal from Mr Potato Head and some lovely shooting from Woody. A second of the quarter from Woody, one for Gladiator, and a couple for them, meant we ended the 1st 4-2 up. 3 more goals from Woody (2) and Mr Poo (1) saw us in a strong position at half time, 7-4.

They were down, and we started the 3rd with solid defence and a goal apiece for Mr Poo, Gladiator and Goggles to go 10-4 into the lead. But then their 1st team player decided he should probably make some effort… The match sheet then reads Blue 5, goal, Blue 5, goal, Blue 5, goal, Blue 11 (because we dropped so hard on 5), goal. 10-8 at the end of the 3rd.

This continued into the 4th, and as we tired we struggled to get out to the shooters from the drop and blue 11 and blue 12 capitalised with some good shooting. Another goal for Woody and Mr Potato head meant we managed to pull 12-10 ahead, but 11 and 12 pegged us back again to end 12-12.

One thing I forgot to mention in this last quarter is during a blue attack we did manage to drop properly and win the ball. A quick counter saw Gladiator 1 v 1 with the keeper, but with the defender about to pounce he made the correct decision to pass the ball across to Woody. With 5 goals to his name already, his confidence was up, but somehow, with the goal as empty as Gimli’s bank account, he couldn’t apply the finish which would have won us the game. For this he unanimously wins Fluffer, including the self nomination. Hasn’t been a less close vote since Kim Jong-un.

However for his strong start to the game and bagging 5 goals Woody does get man of the match as well. Let’s hope next time he can keep it up further than half way. But what about the water polo? Shout out to Mr Potato Head for a couple of good goals and also Richard who sacrificed his maddy to play in goal. He also wins moment for a cracking penalty save, the first of his 45 year polo career!

In other news, Tony Popovic was spotted in Lisbon on Wednesday, presumably having a nice holiday now the football season is pretty much over. Zach is currently under review by the DMC, and may be joining Tony on his holiday soon.

Monday saw the mighty Narwhals embark on a trip to Putney to face Avondale. Always a good game, we were optimistic about the result and keen to get going. Phil “Stallion” Richards, “fresh” from his Japanese exertions was back in the pool, and Charles “is this one Surrey League” K-T was finally allowed to play with us again by his mum… Game on!!

Sadly Ed “danger poo” Gamble missed the swim-off due to spending too long visiting the Putney facilities – he had clearly read the B-Log and couldn’t wait for a visit!! Instead the responsibility fell to Goggles McShute who didn’t let the team down by duly losing the swim-off. The first quarter was tight finishing 2-2 and the game was shaping up to be a good one. Our drop was working really well and we nullified their pit attack. Sadly our shooting was wasteful and we did not take the opportunity to build a lead. Nonetheless, a good long range effort from Chris “Moto” Mann and a typical counter from Goggles meant the first quarter went well. The second followed a similar pattern, with the score 4-4 at half time.

Some good consistent refereeing led to lots of majors and plenty of practise. Buoyed by the knowledge he could “score” and hit the target (whey) Phil “Sumo” Richards bagged himself two of four goals in the 3rd quarter. Going into the 4th, we were 7-6 up. The final quarter was a cagey affair, with the lead changing hands. With a minute to go, Avondale bagged a goal to go 10-9 up and the Narwhals were staring defeat in the face. With 30 seconds to go, up stepped Big balls Richards to save the game. In years go by, as he lined up a shot from 7m, we would have turned and swam back to defend, knowing the ball was already flying over the bar… but in an amazing change of fortune, Phil steadied himself, drew back his short little arm and rocketed a shot in off the near post. The game was saved!! 10-10 the final score – our second draw of the year (of the same scoreline).

Man of the Match went to Big Man Richards who grabbed 4 goals and was exceptional in front of goal. He also got moment of the match for his last gasp winner. Shout out to Rob “woody” Loveless who continued his fine run of stopping the ball going in the net by covering for Finch Snr. when he got sent out for smelly chat. Finch also gets a thumbs up for a good reaction save to keep us in the game. Fluffer went to Gary this week for a poorly executed Lob. Finch Jnr. is still visiting the dubious maddy committee.

Stats will come with the next report.

Forza Narwhali!!

Sorry for the delay on the stats, I have been somewhat busy!! This report brings you two weeks worth of “action” and games that really showed the ying and yang of Narwhals Water Polo. Stats are below:

May 4th Stats

Thursday 20th April saw the Narwhals head to Hammersmith to play London Otter. Fuelled by a pre-game Nando’s and a cheeky McFlurry we felt ready for the task – even Bedford being grumpy didn’t stop us!! More importantly we did not lose a team member due to Phil showing off his Big Tasty… but arriving at the pool we felt slightly deflated. The opposition had been warming up for 20mins already and we were facing the prospect of playing in a shallow end with “home” refs. Nonetheless, we prepared ourselves for the task at hand and quite frankly put in the best half of polo we have played in a very long time.

We threatened with the ball, we made attacking swims and we played a drop defence better than we had for a long time. By the end of the half we were 10-3 up, with a particularly fine 7-0 2nd quarter win. Unfortunately that was our Ying… the Yang now came to the fore. The opposition realised they were under the cosh, and decided to full press us. Hampered by a lack of subs and a very attritional and physical opposition, we struggled to defend our lead. Indeed, we failed to score in the whole of the second half. Even so, we did hang on to a 10-10 draw – which for all intents and purposes was a very good result against a very good team. It is just a shame we couldn’t turn our first half form into a win.

Man of the Match was awarded to Dan “weak wrists” Bedford on his return to the side. He scored some ok lobs and put in a reasonable shift – the highlight of which was getting an opposition player excluded for shouting too loudly… Moment was unanimously awarded to the entire team for that wonderful 2nd quarter, whilst Fluffer was awarded to the entire team for the entire 2nd half. The first game in a while Rob managed to avoid that prestigious award…

Wednesday 26th saw a cobbled team come together to play a strong Croydon 2’s side. So desperate for players were we that we forced Tadija “Brave Little Soldier” Popovic (Big Tony) to come out of recovery early and splash around for us. What could have been a great game was severely hampered by the fact that six Narwhals were arrested pre-game and deported to Portugal. That left only Nick “Four Eyes” Shute, Andy “can’t vote, won’t vote” Ogg and Ed “weeble wobble” Gamble to face the Amphibs on their own. It was a struggle and we sadly slipped to an 18-4 defeat. Our hard work undone by a team of young swimmers (cheating surely…).

Voting from this game was marred in controversy as 4 voters has suspiciously similar votes leading to claims of collusion and vote fixing. Sadly for the individuals in question, their cheating has led to the first triple crown of the year, and possibly to the worst person!! Man of the Match went to Ed “Hero” Gamble for grabbing a great goal and providing some excellent assists. Moment was shared between Gary “missing” Bowen (for a superb reaction save), Andy “casual 7.5k” Ogg (for a box to box swim) and Ed “that guy” Gamble for some outrageously great play. Finally Fluffer went to Ed “he started it” Gamble for getting the only major of the match – an exclusion following a minor handbag event with the opposition. The first triple crown for Gimli – a superb result!! In other news, Matt “but it was a lovely turn” Finch came out of goal again and once more failed to get on the match sheet. Recent reports suggest he is in a Portuguese prison cell being bored to tears by Sponge Rob Poo Pants talking about audit…

Until next time – Forza narwhali!!!